Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Have You Ever Googled...

"How to stop the garlic smell oozing from my body"?


That's what I googled the morning after we went to Gordon Biersch.

During the night while I was sleeping, I farted and it was so gross smelling that it woke me up out of a deep, deep sleep. I got up and went to the bathroom to poop. Barf. The smell was horrible. Back to bed.

4:00 a.m. Alarm goes off. Get up. Is it time ALREADY? It seems like I just went to bed! Head for the bathroom. Need to poop AGAIN. Oh my good gravy...what in the heck died inside of me? I'm gonna pass out! The garlic smell coming from me is horrific.

Get up to get in the shower, turn on the water, check out my hormone-caused-zit-laden fat face in the mirror. Gotta poop again! Turn off the water. Sit down to do my business and seriously...oh holy freakin' heck...I want to vomit. This is the absolute worst smell I have EVER smelled. Who knew A HEAD AND A HALF OF GARLIC (what on earth was I thinking!?!?!) could do this to me? It was seriously oozing out of my pores.

I finally get in the shower and Melon Man comes in to get ready for work. Needless to say, he about passed out. He even left the bathroom door open to help clear out some of the smell. I could not get it to stop oozing. I scrubbed my body down and got out to get dressed. I wreaked so bad. And...I had to get in the vanpool smelling this way? Pamela was NOT going to approve...one of her rules was that you couldn't wear perfume, etc. if it offended others in the van. This was definitely the offending type of odor!

So, I came in to the computer and googled the above phrase. I found out that eating fresh parsley would help. Okay, seriously, who keeps a bunch of fresh parsley in their fridge? Not me! You all know we eat out more often than in. So, of course, I didn't have any of that. Then, I saw that if you get garlic smell on your hands and can't get it off by washing it off, that you can rub your hands on a stainless steel sink. Well, that's just great. I don't have one and honestly, it's going to need to be a pretty big sink to rub my ENTIRE body on it!

There was NO hope. I HAD to go to work this way. Oh goodness. What a day it was going to be. I drove over to the Park-n-Ride and as I opened the door to get in the van, I immediately apologized and told my story. Everyone was nice about it and just lived with it.

I thought it would dissipate by noon or so...but it didn't. I had to fart again. Run to the restroom...I certainly didn't want to do it in my office! I made it. I let it rip and this was absolutely the WORST I'd smelled so far! I did a courtesy flush of the goods and hoped the odor would go away before anyone came in the restroom. Unfortunately, it didn't. I tried to exit the room before the person exited their stall, but I couldn't make it. She got out just in time to see me - the offender. The look, oh, goodness...I'm so sorry!

By bedtime, the smell had finally gone mostly away, but as I kissed Melon Man goodnight before heading off to bed, he nicely told me I STILL smelled of garlic. Great...guess it's time to change the sheets....


Jennifer said...

That was the most disgusting thing I have ever read. Thanks for sharing! Not!

Leslie said...

Oh my goodness, I'm sorry about your problem but I was laughing hysterically. I've never read something like that before. I was not expecting that as I started to read it. Hope you're smelling better.

Jodi said...

Okay I totally know how you felt. On Kev and I anniversy we went to some hot springs and we stunk for a week of sulfer and nothing worked to get ride of the smell. We did find that if you used a hunting body soap to get ride of smells so the deer / elk can't smell you. It would help but after about an hour your body would start to sweat out the smell again.

Anonymous said...

okay Kristin, can we say TMI! Guess we're gonna have to watch where we go to eat with you all next time ROFLOL!

Cindy said...

Oh boy! Are you better now?

I really like that table and chairs. Give us a follow up if J& K could order it.