Sunday, March 16, 2008

Sunday Update

Not much to report today. Updated all of the remaining blog entries needing to be updated. Went to church this morning. Helped Denee Heeter finish up her crafts from Super Saturday last October. Got to know more about her and we have a lot in common. Will have to spend more time with her. Maybe Clint and Robbie will find something in common and can become friends.

Talked with Jenn yesterday on the phone. Wish I lived closer to her so I could be of better comfort to her and Julie when they are missing Mom and vice versa. Unfortunately, sometimes others don't understand how difficult it can be without your mom because they still have theirs. My siblings and I are still young and we are learning to cope without the one person that we have always been the closest to. It can definitely be difficult sometimes. There are days where I go to pick up the phone and call my mom so I can tell her some good news or to share something sad and then I realize she's no longer alive and it's really painful. Sure, there are others to call, but a mom is different. We all miss her so much - especially as we draw closer to the 3rd anniversary of her death.

I'm on a downer right this moment, so please bear with me...

Lately, as I read a number of the blogs I read most everyday, I feel a sense of sadness about my own. It seems like mine is just a place to vent or a travel journal or some sort of a daily here's what I did. Of the ones I visit, there are some that are always upbeat - almost to the point of beyond reality - some that have so much spirituality in them, that I feel like a sinner beyond repair - some that are so full of accomplishment, that I feel like a failure - some that are so full of family, that I feel alone - some that are so full of righteous desires and direction, that I feel like one of those in the great and spacious building looking upon those on the path with the iron rod. Honestly, how does one become like all of you? Do I have the priorities in my life set on the wrong things? I go to church. I pay my tithing and a very generous fast offering. I pray and we have family prayer. We go to the temple. I fulfill my calling to the best of my ability. I've given up my business so I could be "at home" more and it would allow me more time to focus on the spiritual side of my life. I don't even scrapbook anymore. The only time I spend on my own blog is spent because I consider it a sort of journal for me as I don't have any other form of a journal. I guess the one or two things we don't do are read our scriptures daily and have family home evening. Monday nights don't work for FHE for us because C works until 10 pm. We could have it on Tuesday or Wednesday night instead. Maybe that will work. (C - let's do this) And scripture reading...well, this will probably ALWAYS be an issue for me because I just don't like to read and I find listening to them on my iPod incredibly monotonous and I don't get one thing out of them this way. I really wish I had hours and hours of time each day to just sit and STUDY them. For those of you readers whose blogs fall into one of the categories I mentioned above, please don't take offense to what I said. I'm actually jealous of you and of the life you have and the things you say on your blogs and the things you do in your families. I want to be more like you. I guess I just need to revisit my life again and see where else I need to make changes.


Casey Lu said...

Oh Kristin, don't be so hard on yourself! I myself find my blog lacking content sometimes and it is because I have a hard time expressing myself. I love coming to your blog, though it may not seem like it to you your blog is very spiritual, uplifting, and a breath of fresh air! You are a wonderful person, with a strong desire to be Christ like, real, and I don't see anywhere where you should feel that you are so bad. You do all the right things that you should and it is Satan that is making you feel not worthy. So don't think that your not as spiritual or unworthy to others out in blogger land because you are far more precious that you realize! I am sorry you lost your mom and though my is still alive I can relate to how you are feeling as mine is has chosen to be "dead" to a point. I can't call my mom up to ask how to cook a recipe or what to do when a child is sick and I can't seem to help, or to tell how I am feeling. For all that stuff I have no one and never have had anyone in the parental form. Yeah they are here on earth physically but never emotionally or close to me in anyway. So I feel your pain and I know it is very upsetting and I am sure the Lord knows your pain and hurts for you too. I am so sorry for your loss and pain, I truly am! Hang in there and know that God Loves you and I do too!

Jennifer said...

Oh sissy! The grass is always greener. I think that we all look to each other and see what we "feel" we are lacking. You are an incredible woman who bouys me up and I look to you as an example. I think this is just a hard time of the year, as our mother loved spring so dearly and it is the anniversary of several lasts with her. She was our rock and she is out of reach for now. Your desire for a child and the near reality of being so close to having one has heightened your senses and desires. It has also left the void that you have felt for so long even larger. You are blessed with such a wonderful man who loves you so much. Enjoy what you have.
I feel the same way a lot of the time, that my entries are lame and boring and then someone says how cute a picture was or something you wrote touched them. Blogging has helped me to reflect on MY life and what it is. All we can do is strive to be the best that we can and I know that you are truly doing that.
I love you so very much, you are incredible!XOXO

Cindy said...

Ditto. Even I think my life is mundane, but I am learning to like the mundane rather than the highs and lows of crises and big events. To help with that I focus on the positive and my gratitude for blessings (like your title) and I have found a real STRENGTH in doing so. It is changing me and I like the changes. Focus on the positives, don't compete or compare with others or even within yourself. Self pity is Satan-sponsored I've learned. It doesn't mean he ever stops trying you just need to not let him in! You are a great woman and so talented in many things. Keep going forward. Love you!

Sigie said...

Kristin, My sweet Niece: You have given so much and have such a talent for doing so many things and helping others.. There have been times when I needed help and you were their for me. I am here for you. I know how much you miss your mother. But no one knows how much I miss her, I raised her. I also knew that she loved the Spring and the fall, when the leaves were turning color and falling, the wind blowing and then it would snow. She would always call me and let me know when the weather would change and we both would get so excited and wanted to be together to share that special time of year. This is part of life missing our mothers when they leave this earth as there is a special bond between a mother and child. Remember I don't have mine anymore either. Yes, I am older but that still doesn't take away the longing for them in our lives. Remember when you are giving of yourself and are of service to others that is bing so christ like. Don't be so hard on yourself as President Hinckly said "DO THE BEST YOU THAT YOU CAN" things will be okay. You are are a wonderful and beautiful person. I love you.