In a few hours, I'll no longer be able to carry a child - not that I've ever had the opportunity anyway.
In about 6 hours, my surgery will be complete. My uterus will have been scraped clean. My insides will have been probed. My uterine lining will have been ablated...burned...cauterized...destroyed. I guess I understood "what" an ablation is when the doctor told me about it. I guess I understood "what" an ablation is when I read about it in the paperwork the hospital gave me. I guess I understood "WHAT" an ablation is when I researched it on the internet. But, I never "understood" the true impact an ablation would have on me until Monday night. Yes, an ablation completely destroys the lining of the uterus and makes it highly improbable that the woman will ever be able to have any children. It's essentially like a hysterectomy but without removing the uterus.
I have dreamt of being a mom my entire adult life. I've NEVER even been pregnant. I've wanted to, but have never been given the opportunity. I thought about this the other night after I realized what this is going to do to me. I thought back to a time when my mom and I were arguing about something and I yelled, "well I don't want kids when I grow up!" I truly realize that Heavenly Father just probably turned his ear and didn't really listen to me or that He said that all teenagers say stuff like that, but for a few moments, it really made me think...did my saying that really have an influence into the fact that I've never been able to have kids? I know it didn't, but my brain wondered.
So, because of all of this, yesterday was an especially emotional day. Today is so far as well. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm truly afraid of not waking up from the anesthesia. And, while I'm asleep, I hope I just don't dream at all or that I dream of something fun because if my mom comes to me during my surgery sleep, I'm running as far away from her and that "light" as possible. I'm not ready to go.
I LOVE YOU. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. I love Melon Man. Thank you for making me happier than I've been in many, many years and bringing joy back into my life. I love my family - each and EVERY one of you - immediate or extended. And, know this - I KNOW that the Savior lives. And, if I am not meant to stay on this earth, I will run to His arms and be happy that I am free from the trials of this earthly life. It's taken me a lot of years to understand and believe in the great magnitude that is this eternal life and knowledge. I'm so grateful to my husband for helping me get there.
So...wish me luck...I'm off to take my anti-bacterial shower now before I go....