While I was in the chair, I told Lucy how much Melon Man really liked my blond hair and that he thinks I still need more. I didn't ask her to add anymore, she just did it. And, oh man, did she ever! This time I DID come out going "what did I do??!?!!?" It was REALLY blond! I'm sure I will get used to it and eventually I'll think it just looks natural that way, but today, I was a little shocked to say the least. But...I guess we'll just have to see if blonds really do have more fun!
Today is Mom's deathiversary. I can't believe it's been a whole five years that she's been gone. Where does the time go? I wonder if she's happy. I wonder what she's doing. I wonder if she misses us. I wonder when she'll be able to visit me again.
This picture was taken two weeks before she died. She and Dad had come to Arizona to visit me. We decided to take a drive up to Sedona a couple of days before they left to go home. None of us had explored the area before. I don't know why she didn't smile in this picture. In fact, I looked through all of the pictures I have of just her from this day and there isn't one where she was smiling. Was she in so much pain that she just didn't feel like smiling? I don't know. But, looking back, I now wonder. Looking back, I wonder if she knew it wouldn't be much longer for her. Looking back, I wonder if she was finally just giving up on life and if she was ready to go and was just glad to be able to come see me one last time.
Things have changed so much in our family in the last 5 years - and not for the better. I've come to realize just how much my mom was the glue in our family. There have been times in the years she was alive that there were problems between siblings and somehow she was always able to help smooth things over. Without her here, the problems just stay the same and nothing gets resolved. There is tension. There is anger. There are hurt feelings. And there is division. Our dad draws farther and farther away from us. He doesn't understand how to function without her. We all want to help him but he wants nothing to do with our ideas. He expects all of us to come to him when he is the one who is retired and has more free time than we do. It's all just so frustrating. She would be so upset if she were here. This is not how she would want her family to be. I feel an obligation to try to stand in her place at times being the oldest. But, it's so hard when I'm so far away. I wish I could have the best of both worlds, but I can't. My life is here in Arizona.
Why, oh why, Mom, did you have to leave us?
2 comments:
Oh honey. I hear you. It's hard when your mom is gone. It's something I fear each and every day right now. I don't know what I'm going to do without my mom when the time comes.
You've always been the strong one in your family. You don't have to do it all. You don't have to solve everyone's problems and resolve the contention. Leave it to Heavenly Father's hands. He will take care of your family. Patience is hard...we want everything right now just the right way. Peace and resolve will come in His time.
Kristin, welcome to our world. This is how it has been for us the last eighteen years. They just don't get it. We always said, If mom were still alive oh how life would be so different.
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