Today is Taylor's first chemo treatment. I've been thinking about him all day. It started when I was doing my hair this morning. As I was brushing it out after flat-ironing it, I looked at it and thought how good it looks today. Suddenly, it hit me how truly grateful I am that I have hair. It hit me that there are so many people in the world going through chemo that don't have hair. It hit me that it won't be too much longer that Taylor will have hair. It hit me how short the time is that I will still have my own hair. I promised Taylor that I would shave my head to show my support for him. Do I really want to cut off all of my hair? No, not really, but I will if it will make him feel better about losing his own hair. It was a somber moment.
As the morning progressed, my heart was tight and sad. We still hadn't heard the results of the bone marrow biopsies and I was getting nervous. Jennifer had said that the doctor promised to call her once he got the results, no matter what time it was. He never called yesterday. That could only mean one thing...bad news. Jennifer was sure that they hadn't called her yet because it was really bad news and they wanted to tell them in person. I worked and worked, trying to keep my mind off of everything, just waiting for Jenn to call with the results.
Around 10 a.m., my phone at work rang and it was Taylor. His voice came over the phone and said they had the results. I couldn't tell if he was happy or sad. I was so scared. I just knew it was going to be bad. But, it wasn't. The results were NEGATIVE and he was still at stage 2B! I was so excited that I about leapt out of my chair! I was just so happy. I was telling everyone.
And then I fell silent. I wanted to drop to my knees and thank Heavenly Father. Although I couldn't do that, I did bow my head and quickly offered a heartfelt prayer of thanks. I was sobbing. I was so overcome with gratitude, but also sadness that I had doubted my own belief in my prayers. I know that Heavenly Father can do anything, but I had such strong feelings that things were going to turn out for the worst. I just didn't have the faith that I should have had. I felt so bad! Here I thought my faith and testimony were strong...and they weren't! Will I be one of those whose testimony isn't strong enough at the last days? Will I falter? Will I lose my way again because of this? I just was so overcome with emotion!
As the day progressed, I thought more and more about this and how I need to leave things in God's hands and just KNOW that everything will be okay - no matter which way things go.
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