Sunday, October 21, 2007

Why Didn't I Write That Down?

I really had a few good moments today at church where I truly felt the Spirit and I kept thinking "I need to write that down for the blog" but I didn't and now I can't recall what it was that I wanted to share.

They talked a lot of about the importance of mothers and fathers in the family today. Fathers in Sacrament Meeting and Mothers in Relief Society. I felt so bad for this one man in our ward who is currently going through a divorce. He looked so sad and alone. The best word to describe his countenance is "broken." I don't know his situation - I never will, but having gone through a divorce I know the feelings that you feel when sitting there in church and they're talking about eternal families or being a great spouse or parent. You feel like an outsider. You feel like you've failed. You just feel awful. It's a pain that not one person will ever know until they go through it themself. I just wanted to walk up to him and put my arms around him and say "I feel with you." But, his situation is completely different than mine was. He has children. I saw him after church talking with his little boy in the foyer (his wife attends the ward that meets after ours) and the mom was standing there watching the two of them. I just wanted to sob watching him tenderly talk with his son and knowing somewhat of the feeling he might be having not having his children with him at church where families should always be together. My heart was so touched that I am having difficulty explaining what I felt and saw.

In Relief Society, the lesson was on women and mothers and on being a righteous woman. The teacher ended up getting a little one-sided toward the end and even though I don't have children, I ended up feeling a little less than "righteous" because I work outside the home. I don't have children so I don't feel it's as important that I be at home. Sure, I'd love to stay home and keep a perfect home, have dinner ready all the time, provide service to others, but it just hasn't ever worked out that way. If I ever did have children, I know that would be a goal of mine - to stay home, but until that happens, I won't let it bother me.

On the way to church this morning (7:45 a.m.) we noticed that it definitely felt like fall today. There was a little nip in the air and the breeze was blowing. Tonight, the wind is still blowing and the leaves are rustling around outside. Everytime I hear them, it makes me think of Mom. She loved the sound that leaves made, especially when she stomped on them. I miss her a lot lately. We drove by a cemetary yesterday and I suddenly got very sad realizing again that she has been dead two and a half years, lying there in the cold ground. I know that it's only her body laying there, but still. I hope she's happy and that she knows I miss her. When I get depressed or sad about her no longer being alive, I rely on my faith that I will see her again someday in the hereafter. That keeps me going.

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