Wednesday, March 31, 2010

These Happy Pills Make Me Sad

Back in December, I was temporarily put on some happy pills to help me deal with all the stress in my life regarding work and my health problems.  I just couldn't do it anymore on my own.  I've never been a proponent of behavioral medication (for myself) - but like I said, I just couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I was a bawling mess - all the time.  So, I got a little help. 

They say people think the pills start working right away and you can notice a change within the first few days, but really it takes a few weeks.  I was prepared for it to take a few weeks - but REALLY, it did only take a about 2 days for me to really notice a difference.  I was having feelings of happiness that I really couldn't control.  I laughed at the weirdest things.  But, one thing I noticed was that I couldn't cry unless I were in physical pain.

Now that I have been on these for about 4 months, I am still in need of them, but I don't like them for one simple reason - I can't cry - AT ALL!  Yeah, I probably could if I were in physical pain, but anything tied to emotions - nope - nada.  My uncle Bob died on Monday - have I been able to cry?  Nope.  I feel like I really want to - but I can't.  Nothing comes.  Often, I wonder if I'm just a heartless *&^%$ and I don't have feelings for when people die.  But, I DO!  It is sad when someone dies.  I know that I have a strong testimony and firmly believe in eternal families and life after death, but seriously, I really should be able to show my emotions for the passing of someone I love. 

The funeral is next week so we will be heading out to California for it.  Maybe I shouldn't take my pills for a couple days so I can actually feel the would probably just make me worse - I'd be an honery *&^%$ instead of a heartless one and that would probably be worse considering all the people I will be around.

1 comment:

Cindy said...

I think you are looking at this in the wrong way.

You are not heartless just because you aren't crying. Perhaps this is the real Kristin, all chemicals finally in balance, strong in her faith. Our family thinks that if you don't show your emotions you don't have any, and that is NOT TRUE!

Your nervous system is finally getting a much needed rest. Be at peace with that.

Love YOU--